“Hey Brent, I heard you used to be a youth pastor. Is that true?”
This is the beginning of one of the most difficult, and rewarding, conversations of my life. I had just started working for a company in Vancouver and word got around that I wasn't the typical staff person there. The co-worker who asked the question, I was to discover, had a rather long history with the Church and little love for Christians.
“I hate Christians,” he said. Pretty blunt.
Of course, he was quite surprised to learn that I was still involved with youth work and music. He assumed my new employment was a direct result of an exit similar to his own.
My peer, let's call him James, is an openly gay man in his late thirties. His greatest hero is his mother. This is primarily, as he would later relate to me, because of her bold and abrupt breakup with their church when he was 12 years old. Over the next quarter century, his life was filled with far more sour stories than sweet regarding those who call themselves Christians.
So what happened next?
James and I had many opportunities to talk. I learned about his unique perspectives and was challenged to consider a world where events, people, and circumstances were neither bad nor good, but simply were. His is a world where reason rules—a world devoid of organized religion and social control. The vocabulary I so naturally use was flipped on its head. It became clear if I was to prove I was hearing James, I needed to demonstrate it by making efforts to rephrase and clarify my thoughts as we continued our journey of ideas.
At one point, a third co-worker joined the conversation. She immediately interjected that she is a secular Jew and was recently astonished to learn that “some Christians actually consider homosexuality to be sin!”
James turned to look at me, head cocked to one side, “Is that what you think?”
Wow. Talk about an awkward moment. Here, however, we have the crux of the story, because in that moment I had to decide how much conviction meant to me.
I didn't hide the truth. After a rather grandiose reaction, we were able to continue our conversation. This time, James listened to my point of view, and offered challenges, rephrasing, and clarifications of his own. It was a great discussion and in the end he said, “I still hate Christians, but I like talking to you!” We were both smiling as he walked away, pointing assuredly at me.
This is one of the most important dialogues I have ever had. I believe it took place because of the strong foundation my wise parents and a loving heavenly Father laid in my life.
Unfortunately, there are two reactions that typify the Christian response to the type of challenge James issued to me. Fighting these reactions gave me a chance to learn much about loving my neighbour and expressing God's desire for those wandering the earth without hope.
- Defensive:
The defensive person sees a challenge to his or her thoughts and ideas as an attack, not as an opportunity to teach, inform, and reach out. We can avoid this by having thicker skin and not taking things too personally. Besides, if our positions or ideas are indefensible, perhaps they're not such great stances to have. Be sharp, know what you're talking about, don't make stuff up, admit what you don't know, and back up what you do know. People will respect that, and your ability to meet a challenge with grace.
- Closed-minded:
We all get involved in conversations in which we never really hear the other person(s) involved. We make sure to present our case but don't make the effort to understand where others are truly coming from. We must listen and be open to hear what is being said, receiving the message being communicated, not just interpret-ing it (yes, this takes more work).
Raising your children to live with conviction requires modelling these behaviours. A curious mind is an awesome gift and too often, it gets crushed before it's ever fully unwrapped. An important question you need to ask of yourself is:
Would I rather hear the thoughts/dreams/mistakes of my children and participate in their lives as they slug through the mess, or be oblivious to it all and let them find other people with whom to trudge?
If you can find ways to avoid being defensive and close-minded when your children challenge you, remaining open to hearing whatever they might say without judgement, you will have the opportunity to lay bare your well-anchored convictions and see them mirrored in their lives.
