You’ve probably heard of the Seven Wonders of the World. I would like to add a few more.
I marvel that my wife can find anything in her purse, how long a teenager can eat, and how fast I am losing hair. Yes, there may be a recession on Wall Street, but it’s nothing like the one going on top of my head.
If you’re one of those guys who still has his original hair, go ahead and laugh. But if you’ve been cluttering pillows and clogging drains, if you’ve stopped combing and started rearranging, you’ll be happy to know there is hope. I can’t think of anything remotely hopeful at the moment, but give me some time and I’ll come up with something. While I do, let’s look at some ways in which the scientific community, working hand-in-hand with medical researchers and laboratory rats, has shown us just how bleak the picture really is:
-
Genes
-
Drugs
-
Music
Scientists recently announced that they have discovered the gene that causes baldness. Unfortunately, they haven’t a clue what to do with it.
If you were alive during the ’60s, you know that drugs taken in large quantities helped men forget many things, including their baldness. But this was momentary and, let’s face it, the side effects were monstrous. Researchers now claim, however, that they have found a proven hair-growing drug. It’s called Minoxidol and it has been known to work on various objects. Fruit. Wood. Snooker balls. Unfortunately, researchers admit that it has been largely ineffective in men. Although it works for women—whom these same researchers have conclusively proven do not need it.
After years of research and very little success, the Daiichi Pharmaceutical Company, a leading Japanese drug maker, decided to make wads and wads of money by releasing a compact disc of Mozart music. Yes, believe it or not, the CDs are now marketed exclusively through pharmacies. Daiichi Pharmaceutical claims the music will, “soothe the listener, relieve stress and even reverse the balding process.” I’m not sure about this, but they may be on to something here. You see, during high school I conducted similar experiments on my father in which I played loud music for him. This caused his head to appear hairier.
Practical tips to try at home:
Relocate
Yes, you may want to move to another province where no one will recognize you and where no one will know that you once had hair. Wait a minute, that’s not what I mean. What I mean is relocate your hair. Move it from an area where it thrives to The Dead Zone. If you have small children, they will be happy to do this for you some Saturday morning while you are resting.
Innovate
The most popular technique I personally know of is to grow your hair very long on one side and comb it carefully over the deceased area. My father did this as well as anyone. The beauty of it is that if you who have false teeth to go along with it, you can scare the living daylights out of your grandchildren during a windstorm.
If none of this works for you, wear a hat everywhere. Glue it on if necessary. Or grow your eyebrows to their full length and comb them back. This method is still in the research stage, so let me know how it goes.
I was standing out at shortstop the other day, watching ground balls zing past. My hair was blowing in the breeze, and I didn’t have the energy to chase after it. Suddenly, a comforting thought hit me: Our heads were made for more than growing hair.
When it comes right down to it, we determine very little of what goes on above the hairline. But we can do something about what goes on beneath it. Second Corinthians 4:16 says it best: “…Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.”
Wasting away, all right. My calculator informs me if all goes well, I have another 40 years to live. That’s 14,600 days. Or 350,000 hours. Or 21,024,000 minutes. Since the average human breathes 14 times a minute, I have roughly 294,336,000 breaths left. Less if I forget my wife’s birthday.
Without being morbid, allow me to say it’s a good idea to number our days. To realize that, unless Christ returns first, 100 per cent of us will be history one day. More than ever, it is my desire to live every day, every minute, every breath, for the glory of God.
Last year American men spent $8 billion US trying on products that promise to reverse the aging process. I think it’s time we live lives characterized by contentment with what God is doing inside our heads.
If you’re still not convinced, you may want to try one more suggestion: shave off all your hair, leaving yourself completely bald, looking like you did it on purpose. This was done effectively by Kojak and Mr. Clean, so it may work for you. It’s our way of saying, “You can’t fire me, I quit.”
Make sure you use a good sharp pair of scissors. If you can’t find them, ask your wife. They’re probably in her purse.
