I'm starting to suspect my friends are no longer capable of eating regular food. It all started innocently enough with me deciding to host a girly dinner party. Everyone seemed excited. That is, until I sent a group text around to the girls with my menu suggestions.
“Hey guys, what do you think about _____________? It sounds really tasty and I think my cooking skills are up to the challenge.”
Quickly, I received a flood of naysayers with answers like: I'm allergic, I'm intolerant, I'm vegetarian. Etcetera.
Finally, after flipping past every recipe ever written, I came across a recipe requiring altering for only one guest. By this point I no longer cared if my friends liked it or not—I was just grateful to find something they would eat.
But in the end only two of us ate. Two guests cancelled, one showed up three hours late, and one ate before coming. I felt defeated and confused after my dinner party disaster. It left me wondering what went wrong. Was I just unenlightened? Uninformed? Ignorant?
With everyone having issues with everything—not just food—these days, the line between regular problems and real suffering has blurred for me.
A friend of mine struggles with an eating disorder. Because our group always chats about health and fitness, everyone took her weight loss and focus on food and exercise to be a step in the direction of well-being. In our excitement to keep up with the latest food and health trends, we actually enabled our friend to hide her suffering behind that mask of healthy living. And because we weren't looking for it, no one noticed until the disorder had taken a strong hold.
Henry David Thoreau famously said, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” Everyone suffers; everyone has pain. But there are some who don't talk about it. Whether it's physical, emotional, or spiritual, this could be because of shame, guilt, or the feeling that no one really cares.
We are commanded in Scripture to love one another (John 13:34-35). In other words, we are commanded to care. Recognizing that someone else is suffering is a great first step in fulfilling this instruction. However, in order to notice, our focus needs to shift from ourselves to others.
How do we recognize silent suffering in those around us?
First, be in regular contact. If you're in touch with your friends—speak with them frequently—you are more apt to notice when something changes. Since you're connected, you will also be in a better position to speak up, and to actually help.
Second, pay attention. Body language and changes in regular activities/behaviour are usually signs that something is happening. In my group of friends, often the only indicator that something is wrong is weight change or the failure to return phone calls. It's easy to overlook small changes in your friends' behaviour, especially since everyone is so busy, but if you are paying attention, you will notice.
Third, ask questions. Sometimes all it takes is a “How are things with you?” but sometimes it takes something more direct. When you take the time to ask questions, you will often find your friends opening up. Make sure you're listening to the answers—both the said and unsaid. Don't just ask questions in order to talk about yourself. Really care about what others have to say.
Fourth, be available. There are times you will notice a behaviour change and ask all the right questions, but your friend doesn't want to talk. That's OK. By making yourself available, you're indicating that you really care and you are willing to be there when he or she is ready.
While we may not fully understand what others are going through, we can still do our best to relieve their suffering. Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfil the law of Christ.” Sometimes all it takes is a listening ear, but if there are deeper problems requiring professional help, you must be sensitive to that as well. It takes discernment to know what the right reaction is, so remember to pray and use sound judgment.
Shifting your focus from inwards to outwards is not something that happens overnight. And sometimes you won't be able to help your friend—sometimes there's nothing wrong, or you may try to help someone who isn't willing to open up. But by being in regular contact, paying attention, asking questions, and being available, you are creating a safe place in your relationships for your friends to reach out when they need it.
