Epictetus, an ancient Greek philosopher, observed, “Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.” One could also think that since we have two ears listening would be twice as easy, but it isn’t.
Often when someone is speaking to me many other thoughts are clamouring to be heard at the same time—my own responses, that thing I just remembered I had forgotten to do, funny stories, and inaccuracies in what they are saying. I find really listening is hard work.
Because I am sensitive to my own struggle with listening I also notice when others aren’t listening to me. I see it in their eyes that dance with eagerness for me to finish what I am saying so they can say their bit. Or when I see them go slack-jawed and glassy-eyed while I am talking as they mentally transport to some other place.
I am writing about this because I believe it’s not just me—the art of listening is lacking among Christians and in churches today. I’m not talking about listening to the sermon. Rather I am referring to the lack of listening in relationships and on other levels. Listening is an important element of effective leadership.
As Hans Finzel wrote, “Effective leadership has more to do with listening than talking.” Yet many churches lack leaders who truly listen. It shouldn’t surprise us then to learn that many of the problems that arise in churches and Christian organizations are not as a result of unspiritual or immature followers. The problems can be traced back to leaders who simply failed to listen to those they profess to lead. And nothing shuts down communication faster and creates anger quicker in churches, marriages, families, or other organizations than leaders not listening and people having the sense that they have not been heard. The wisdom of James is obvious: “Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear,” (James 1:19 MSG).
There is a saying, “A fish rots from the head down.” Perhaps the lack of listening at the leadership level flavours congregations because the same problem occurs there too. We are so busy and consumed with our own stuff that we don’t take time to linger after a service to talk and listen to others. The worship service ends and people quickly head out. Connections with others aren’t made, burdens aren’t shared, and isolationism is perpetuated. All in all, it’s an unhealthy situation in a church body.
Listening, or failing to listen, is an issue of integrity. Integrity means to be without pretense or hypocrisy. That means we lack integrity when we are only pretending to listen to someone when in reality we are mentally somewhere else. Someone shares their thoughts with us, but we glaze over and start thinking about something else. When we spout advice in response they know we never really listened, so we lack credibility.
Through my struggle I’ve realized that listening is not primarily about my ears. Ultimately it is about my heart and is an act of love. To have ears to hear I need to work at cultivating the art of a listening heart—a heart that isn’t solely concerned with my own interests but also with the interests of others. A heart that listens between the lines—hearing the other person’s heart, not just their words. When I lovingly take a genuine interest in the other person, I do not find it hard to listen to them. It is when I am self-centered, as opposed to other-centered, that listening is hard.
It may be no mistake that “ear,” “hear,” and “heart” are all connected words. Although I may have two ears and one mouth as Epictetus noted, it is only when I have a heart to hear, that I will have ears to hear.
