At one time all three of my grown children had moved out. Then they took turns moving back home. They are not unique. In 1981, 27.5 per cent of Canadians aged 20–29 lived with their parents; in 2006, the figure had grown to 43.5 per cent.1 They have been called The Boomerang Generation, so named for the frequency with which they choose to move back in with their parents after a period of living alone.
What is the impact on us parents when our adult kids move back home? Depending on the living arrangement, our freedom is usually restricted, our finances are affected, our space becomes limited, and on top of all that we get to observe their day-to-day decisions firsthand.
Focusing on the negatives isn’t helpful. Instead we might ask, “How do we as Christian parents respond when our adult children return home?” My suggestion is that when our boomerang kids return, we need to exercise grace:
Guidelines—By spelling out clear expectations on both sides you minimize opportunities for conflict. Communicating and negotiating up front about schedules, finances, food, and household chores can eliminate confrontations later. Setting a time deadline gives a goal to work toward.
Respect—As adults they have a right to their privacy and boundaries. Just because they are in our house doesn’t give us the right to rifle through their stuff or use their things without permission. Treat them considerately as you would a friend.
Acceptance—While it is our house and we make the house rules, accept them and their lifestyle even if you don’t agree with it, insofar as it isn’t illegal, immoral, or harmful to you or them. They are adults and as such are responsible for their own choices.
Cherish—The time you have won’t last forever—at least, that’s the plan. Delight in them as people. Focus on the positive things they do and encourage them in those things.
Empathy—Adult children don’t usually want to move back to their parents’ house. By considering the position they are in we are more inclined do the things outlined above.
A final thought: Whether the experience of having our adult children back in the house is good or bad largely depends on us parents. Treating them with grace and as we would like to be treated ourselves will go a long way to producing long-term, healthy relationships.
My name is Robyn Roste and I’m a Boomerang Kid. A rising stereotype of my generation, I am one of the masses who, after successfully moving away from home, returns to live with my parents.
The situation likely stems from my lifestyle—I’ve lived and travelled around the world, changed jobs several times, and even returned to school to finish my degree. This doesn't exactly breed commitment or stability.
On the other hand, “stable” defines my parents. Regardless of my own flakiness, floundering, adventure seeking, or any other word you use to describe me, I've always known, should things go terribly wrong, I can go home.
So, every time I moved away, I took what I needed and left the rest. Sometimes I was gone for two years, sometimes two months. Whatever the length, I always returned. And this past spring, I returned again. But this time, it bothered me.
I started wondering if something's wrong with me, and why I can’t stay away. My parents have been good to me—allowing me to stay at their place while I figure out my next steps, while not pressuring me (too much) to hurry up and get out. Because of this, I’ve battled guilt for not being able to provide for myself fully, and for never leaving completely. I became embarrassed and angry to be in this position of need.
It was the start to looking at my situation differently. Instead of reverting back and playing the role of the teenage child who can't wait to leave, I began to savour this time with my parents. I also, finally, accepted that maybe this was an opportunity I needed to make the most of: instead of despairing over my inability to progress into responsible adulthood, use this time to prepare for it. So I did. I made a list of goals—real goals. The kind where I voiced the secret desires I’m afraid of wanting in case I don’t get them. I wrote them down, and then I told my parents.
James 4:14 says we don’t know what tomorrow will bring. And that’s true. But if I’m only aimlessly wandering, my life won’t hold much depth. Setting prayerful goals and asking for my family’s support will prepare me for whatever’s next—and I think that’s a pretty good sign of a successful transition. No matter where I live.
1 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boomerang_Generation ; http://www4.hrsdc.gc.ca/.3ndic.1t.4r@-eng.jsp?iid=77
